Lately i've been looking back on old friendships and people in the last year that placed a serrated knife nicely in my back or my chest. Which in turn just made me think of my friendships in the last ten years-the good, the bad, and the ugly. I believe that to backstab a friend it doesn't necessarily have to be something going on behind your back. Being a selfish friend is a backstab, not seeing your friend for who they are is a backstab, acting on pure impulse and rash emotion, not being 100% honest, passive aggresive actions, making friends be on "your side" for a conflict is also a huge backstab. Sometimes your friends are your great friends until conflict arises and instead of dealing with things from love, they lead with insecurity. Being insecure is warrented in this life. But when someone continuously shows how much they love you, you must not doubt them or you end up throwing away genuine love. Looking back in the last year, I acknowledge now the red flags I subconsciously ignored because I wanted to believe this person saw me as I saw them. I moved to LA when I was 19 and after a year of living here i'd encountered a lot of lost friendships and backstabbing from friends back home and I was blessed to have my remaining tribe that also lived in LA, I truly felt like that part of my life was over as I hyper focused on only sharing myself with close friends. Finally I could nurture these friendships and know my friends on a deeper level. But as life goes, things were too good for far too long, so last year I had to let go of a few close friends involved in the same toxic POV. It brought me to the ultimate heartbreak but like any pain it brings lessons. I learned so many valuable things about unintentional/intentional envious energy. Like a failed relationship, failed friendships will make for better friendships because you are by process of elimination, finding out what you want and what you absolutely wont put up with. I know now that I don't enjoy being around a superfluous lifestyle with empty ideals, That it is not my responsibility for anyones good time and that I am not an accessory by any means. I am a human being to be celebrated because I am a great friend and a loyal friend. I became more concious of traits I didn't want to be around and of how right with themselves the people around me actually are not just what they are projecting to be.
I've really been thinking about friendships a lot lately, in general. How much the family you choose and elect into your tribe is so essential. The friends you keep close to you reflect on you and the kind of person that you are. I used to have so many friends that I'd see on a weekly basis, I'd go out constantly with different groups of friends, allowing a lot of them in my life my heart and my thoughts. Okay with solitude but it was never my favorite. It drained me. Protecting your energy is so important when protecting yourself and finding that inner balance. Appreciating and basking in your own solitude is the way to finding that balance, when you are right with you then you are able to hand you whatever bs life throws at you. Here's a small poem I wrote partially inspired by the inspo photo from this post:
I can feel the daggers go in
deeper and deeper
with each inhale
from this cigarette i'm smoking
to take the edge off
to take the night off
of all the times I mistakenly thought I heard you say
I see you.